okay... this will be a long one. many people have asked me our story about kristin little, and this is the best way i can tell it...
jonathan and i started trying to have kids about a year after we got married (sept 1999). at first, we weren't too worried that we weren't getting pregnant because it wasn't such a big deal. then, jonathan went active duty in march 2001, and i (amy) quit my job. that was when having a baby became more important. we could afford it then and i was able to stay home if a child should come along. since we had already been trying for over a year, they counted us as infertile and the testing began. we took many tests - some painful and some not so bad - only to find out that no one could tell us why we weren't having babies (it wasn't for lack of trying!!!). that was frustruating because it became something that we couldn't control. and if you know me, you know that i like to be in control!
we weren't extremely proactive at this point although finding out each month that i was, once again, not pregnant became more and more painful. we had decided to leave it in God's hands. we were relying on His timing. but it wasn't easy. it seemed as if everyone i knew was getting pregnant. i was finding it so difficult to be happy for their blessings and not feel sorry that i wasn't getting what i wanted. at times, i felt like i DESERVED to have kids. i mean, i had given my life to God. i was a minister's wife living across the US from my family, devoting countless volunteer hours to teens and church ministry. why wasn't God blessing me???
then we got orders to okinawa, japan. yippee! what an adventure! and wouldn't it be cool for our kid to say that he/she was born in japan??!! even better - the service jonathan was assigned to was FULL of doctors! wow! God was finally giving me what i deserved. one doc in our service referred me right away (no waiting) to the fertility doc on camp lester. and upon first examination, that doc knew what the problem was. my problem is not a big deal at all. not fixable, but definitely one that can be worked around. we were referred to an off-base doc right away. we were told that we could do 6 iui's (intrauterine insemination) and that would more than likely work for us. we had our first iui in october 2004.
we were not quite prepared for this kind of pain. we tried it once. oh, the anticipation! i was so sure that i was going to get pregnant and bring the first grandchild into the hurt family! what an honor! a few weeks later, i found out that it didn't take. okay... i'll try again. this time without as much gusto. a few weeks later, we found out that it didn't take. i couldn't handle another. maybe i was taking things too far. maybe i should back off and let God do His work.
or... maybe we should adopt a baby girl from China!!! of course! God let us go through all that infertility stuff so that He could lead us to adoption. this is what He has in store for us! okay... i wasn't quite old enough for china to allow me to adopt from there, but i could wait a few months. in the meantime, i could get lots of paperwork done. we started in feb. 2005 with the home study.
we also decided that we could not afford to go into debt in order to adopt. many people do because the cost is so high, but we felt strongly that God would pay the bills. however, there was a time when so much money was due that we felt we had no choice but to get a loan. what a heartbreaker! i was so sure before that God wanted us to adopt from China and now we would have to go in debt to do so. my faith in our decision was starting to waiver. until... a family member heard of our dilema and sent us a substantial amount of money. praise God! now i have no doubt that we are doing exactly what God wants us to do! He has provided for us!
jonathan deployed to iraq in may. i kept shuffling paperwork and dealing with adoption agencies. wow! this was so time consuming but so worth it because we knew that we would have our baby girl at the end of it all.
four and a half months later (september), jonathan came home! whew! thank goodness! i missed you so much! then, in november, we went to thailand to do some missionary work in an orphanage. about a week after we returned, we received some devastating news. chinese law would not allow us to adopt. some things in my past were prohibiting this process. ouch.
well, i have to say that, by now, i know that i don't deserve to have a baby. God doesn't owe me anything. in fact, if He took all that i have i would have exactly what i deserve. this is the lesson that i've learned in all of this. i didn't have the first grandchild in the hurt family, but God taught me that His grace IS sufficient. even when my heart was broken in a million pieces. even when i would cry myself to sleep because i wanted to know the joy of having children - God was there. He was holding me up during those moments, teaching me that He loves me. you see, there is a verse that says "if you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" (matt. 7:11) and i know that God wanted so badly to give me the child i desired. but He wouldn't because that was not what i needed. i needed a LOT of work done on my heart before He could just give me what i wanted.
so... back to kristin.
after hearing the news that we would not be able to adopt from china, jonathan and i had a talk. we had both come to the conclusion that it wasn't God's will for us to have children. maybe this was just for now; maybe it was forever. we didn't know the answer, but we were sure that God still had us in the palm of His hand. we had dinner on monday, december 5, 2005. we talked about how we would both just continue on in ministry and not be bitter about this. i was kind of excited about getting back into youth ministry full force! on tuesday, jonathan gave a briefing at the family support center on base. if you know my husband, you know that he does not disclose personal information to many people, much less complete strangers! on this day, however, he told the group of volunteers that we would like to adopt. on wednesday, kristin's birth parents called the family support center (fsc) asking for guidance about giving their baby up for adoption. the fsc knew about us because of jonathan and they called him. at dinner that night he told me about the baby. i called immediately!!!! on thursday, we met kristin for the first time. on friday, december 9, 2005 we picked up our little girl and started this journey of parenthood!
all praise goes to God for preparing us to be parents! for timing everything just right! for making sure that we got the baby girl He designed for us! and for teaching me how to trust Him even when i don't know what the outcome will be!
i've heard many people ask why we don't see miracles in "this day and age." getting baby kristin is a HUGE miracle! AND... she is just one of MANY miracles that God has performed in my life!
